Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
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sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
britain’s three elite institutions
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
This is my pinned tweet
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.