Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You Might Also Like
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’d hang this in my house.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no