Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.