me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁