Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
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“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
this is so top tier i cant
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.