Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus