Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
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(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.