Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them