Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
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I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting