me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.