Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.