ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
the three branches of government
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
This checks out
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.