me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?