@donnie_fairburn “Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
@TheAndrewNadeau me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
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@donnie_fairburn 
@Death_Buddy “Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
@wildethingy My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
@trouteyes Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
@THEDUTHCHESS My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
@joeheenan Cheers Twitter.
@DiabeetusNurse This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
@honeybadgerMel Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
@djdarrellripley Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
@TheToddWilliams [butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar