me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow