Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
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Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine