ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
True statement👍😏😁
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal