ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
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*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Mornin
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows