ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Wednesday