me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm