me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I only look at Wordle for the articles
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale
My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts