me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
You Might Also Like
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Maths meets science
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Playdough smells better than other philosophers