me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
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I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”