Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
But is it really??
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.