Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
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Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Can’t. Being lazy.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Blew my mind.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*