me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
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Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.