@schumoo

Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

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@English_Channel

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

@amishschool

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

@BadaBinge

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

@WilliamAder

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

@leifromloihi

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

@dlicj

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

@NoContextBrits

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

@Book_Krazy

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

@Brianhopecomedy

On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME.

@hadafewbeers

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”