Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full

Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again

Me: more pancakes please

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles


Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.


My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.


I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.


i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere


Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel


Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”


*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*


On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.



Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”