ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
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Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”