Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
$4 #usedbooks
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.