Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
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Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
This was my dad’s browser history.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The devil.