Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad

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Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?



Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!


Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.


The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.


I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”


Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation


I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.


Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up


Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.