Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
That’s not how days work.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.