me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
bias laundering edition
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
3% human
97% stress
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.