Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
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Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.