Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”
*covered in blood holding eyeball
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
you gotta be faster
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another