@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

You Might Also Like

@DrunjAF

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

@JediGigi

He said I won his heart and I was all “Ugh can I just win like $20? How about a sweater from Sears? A pencil? I could really use a pencil.”

@girl_a_whirl

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

@TheHatdog

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

@AmandaDuberman

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@Contwixt

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

@Matt_The_1st

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another