ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
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A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
me after eating Cheetos
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
the dark web is just a goth google.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”