me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Good morning.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.