Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.

Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

* hears opportunity knocking

* chooses cheese instead

That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.