me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??