Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
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I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you