Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
You Might Also Like
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.