Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I WON A HAM TODAY
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.