Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
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Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation