Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?