@stephenjmolloy

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

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@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

@timdonakowski

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

@SteveKoehler22

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

@

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

@Mardigroan

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

@TheBoydP

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

@Playing_Dad

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.