Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.


COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?


Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.


Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.


Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour


[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-


I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!


This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.


I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.


Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.