Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.