ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Discuss
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I put the mess in domestic.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???