Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Straight people are cancelled
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
adding to the discourse
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
good morning
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher