Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
You Might Also Like
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Wednesday
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.