me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
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This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.