Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Still a very good boi….
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Body by sandwich.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Doggies just call it style.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God