@sixfootcandy

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

You Might Also Like

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

@6figures__

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@JoParkerBear

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

@Sanbel11

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

@daddydoubts

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

@traciebreaux

My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS

@TheAlexNevil

“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport