ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
You Might Also Like
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane