ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Me: Oh phew!
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
ME: … a plate
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
My circle of trust is a meatball
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Me: —pre born
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace