ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Did my cat write this
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
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I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
so weird how every mom was born today