Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
You Might Also Like
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Oh my God.