@xofreckles Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
@dadmann_walking me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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@xofreckles 
@Tmoney68 [Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
@notalogin *Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
@Dad_At_Law Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
@wandering_leaf9 I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
@LuvPug People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
@BoomBoomBetty If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
@WilliamAder What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
@samalmightysam Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
@robfee Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.