Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.