Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
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*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
My favorite farside!!
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
the world’s most popular steaming services
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother